Is This Miss America or Toddlers and Tiaras?

It takes a lot to get me to stay home on a Saturday night. My husband and I enjoy our date night too much.

Yet, here I was staying in because I couldn’t miss the opportunity to see my first Miss America pageant in a long time. It was prime time and prime channel, baby – Miss America is BACK!

My favorite dull as paper host, Chris Harrison from The Bachelor was there, and so was Dancing Barbie, Brooke Burke. Even more reason to watch. (Wish I had that bod though Brookie)

The only question remained: Which born again Christian, high achieving mannequin would win?

Let me remind you that Miss America is a SCHOLARSHIP pageant, NOT a beauty pageant. As if we needed to be reminded with all the barely pretty former Miss Americas in the last 20 years or so. So these are smart girls, accomplished girls, TALENTED girls. Oh yes, we will get to the talent portion in just a minute.

And how those finalists represented the diversity of America! There was Miss Hawaii, who is a princess in Cameroon – true story – this was in her pop-up factoid during talent.

(Why are all girls from Hawaii gorgeous by the way? It just isn’t fair.)

The hosts are making the usual inane comments and asking the girls dumb questions. The contestants don’t hide their dismay at the questions.

The judges are introduced. Joy Behar, and Marc Cherry. Uh oh, snarky taste ahead. Maybe this will be interesting!

And suddenly it is the swimsuit competition. The hosts explain that since this is not a beauty pageant, but a Scholarship pageant, the point of the parade of bikinis is to show “physical fitness.” Yet the contestants show up in 4 inch heels with the bikinis rather than tennis shoes. Makes me wonder about all those “physical fitness” claims.

Or starvation or anorexia, as the case may be.

And SHOES. Have I ever told you I love shoes? DSW was the major sponsor and so there were SHOE INTERVIEWS with former Miss Americas. Now we’re talking.

The gowns? White is still the BIG color for pageants I see. Some are gorgeous, some are tacky as per usual. Miss Hawaii, that gorgeous naturally tanned thing, had by far the most gorgeous gown.

Next we have the returning former Miss Americas. The homely ones are still homely. Sorry. Phyllis George – looking good!

Let’s now look at our finalists:

We had a bald contestant this year, who competed in a wig. She has alopecia and it was nice to see her included except for the fact that America chose her with call-in votes rather than the judges.

We had a 17 year old high schooler who kept telling the man upstairs he was number one every time she advanced.

We had a woman who sang “I Who Have Nothing” while dripping in sequins and diamonds.

We had a river dancer – yes, she clogged and clopped and tapped in while wearing a few too many beads. In fact, I could just see thousands of those beads making their escape from her costume while she bounced up and down.

And for my personal highlight, we had a “racially ambiguous” (she pointed this out in her interview, so I am not being politically incorrect here – and besides she was gorgeous) Singing and Yodeling Ventriloquist. If this doesn’t represent the diversity of America, then nothing does. Suddenly, Miss Arkansas has zoomed in to be my favorite.

But wait, Ms. Kentucky belts out an original song that her grandparents wrote. Yawn, next.

Then for the all-important final question! Warning girls, read a newspaper, because these are TOPICAL!

Miss Hawaii mumbles something very quickly that she seems quite proud of but that makes me sure she and her gorgeous tan and gown are going bye-bye. It wasn’t exactly “Such as The Iraq” type answer but it wasn’t exactly lucid.

The rest speed speak in their allotted 20 seconds and assure little girls that they too can be Miss America.

I am shocked, just flabbergasted, that the 17 year old that keeps telling the man upstairs that he is number one actually gave a very good answer. Very poised for 17. And not a “you know” or “like” in the answer!

And now, the big announcement.

I am still rooting for the dummies and their puppet master, Miss Arkansas. You can’t ask for a better talent than having dummies sing and yodel.

Sure enough, Miss Hawaii and her gorgeous gown are the first to go. Aloha Mumbles.

We are down to the final two, the first runner up and MISS AMERICA. Who will it be?

It’s a toss up between Miss Arkansas, my talent hero, and Miss Nebraska, who should be competing on Toddlers and Tiaras not Miss America! How can she represent scholarship when she is in high school?

Oh my goodness. The dummies are weeping and yodeling and cursing. (You think dummies can’t turn bad on a dime? Remember Chucky?) Because that 17 year old high schooler who keeps telling the man upstairs that he is number one is our new Miss America.

She weeps and weeps and then remembers to thank the man upstairs repeatedly and tell him he is number one.

Really Joy Behar and Marc Cherry? Really? That’s the best you can do for us?

Did you watch this show? Click “Comments” below and let me know what you thought.

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8 comments

  • Pingback: Our First Modern Miss America | Hot Flashes Blog by Arlene Lassin

  • No, I missed this one. Cant remember the last time I watched the pageant. Oh, does Miss Congeniality with Sandra Bullock count???

  • After reading your enticing, hilarious comments–I sadly must confess that I missed watching the Miss America show. How can Miss America be young enough to be my granddaughter? I would have enjoyed seeing and hearing Miss Arkansas singing and yodeling! (And her puppets becoming ballistic when she lost.) Thanks for your entertaining blog!

    You’re the best,
    Holly Dolly

  • Speaking for the male portion of Viewing public ( yes boys my wife also bitched about the show but sat fascinated, and asked me to turn back when I changed the channel)I thought the women were quite athletic in the high heels and swim attire. It is great to see the blue state prudes ( who really thougt it was a talent show) sit and watch as the mostly Attractive southern women move on.

    Oh I almost forgot, the ballet dancing had me on the edge of my seat.

  • LOL@ which Born-Again Christian Mannequin would win!
    And good for you for calling out that if it, the swimsuit contest, is just about physical fitness, why were they in high heels? Where was the sweat and underarm odor?

    I was rooting for Miss Arkansas, because clearly, she’s no dummy:)

    Or Miss Arizona, because of what she said about Gabrielle Giffords. Or Miss Delaware, since I know a teen with alopecia who idolizes her, ‘though I bet she’d would have been rooting for Miss Delaware to dare to take the wig off.

    Yep, ladies of future pageants: No wigs. No false eyelashes. No false boobs.

    No contest???

    Miss Nebraska was kind of forgettable, but I guess it makes more sense to give scholarship money to someone who is just starting cxollege rather than a 26 year old.

    Let me make it clear that I know absolutely NOTHING about fashion(it’s the bane of my existence) but someone..I forget who..wore this hideous backless thing that looked like she weas getting prepped for a colonoscopy. And the front of the gown..I swear..I think it was decorated with two love handles that had been removed from a plus-sized mannequin and glued onto the hips. SO yeah, that was the ugly gown I was talking about.

    Oy, and those names!! Emily with an “o?” “Dawn” with a “J” in front of it and a “un” instead of the “w?” And wasn’t their a contestant with the last name of “Ooze?” Yuck!!

    Also, that wasn’t an original song..it was in the film version of “Hairspray.” But is she saying that her grandfather was Sam Cooke? Or was I too distracted to concentrate because of that love handle gown?

    My favorite pop-up factoid was “loves cheesecake”

    I shouted back at the TV: “Prove it!”

    And yes, I expected a lot more snark from Joy Behar, considering every third contestant looked exactly like Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

    LOVED THIS HILARIOUS BLOG TODAY!

    • Thanks Karen! Unbelievable! By the way, I thought the women had to prove their smarts and scholarship in pre-interviews. How can a high schooler do that?
      She won a prelim talent competition, so I guess playing a fancy version of Chopstix is just too impressive for judges.

  • I didn’t know it was on last night, sorry I missed!!! Funny re-cap!

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