Here She Is, Our Ideal Adjective

Blogging Miss America Pageant 2016 which they call 2017

We begin with the bubbly and excited contestants introducing themselves. Too bad most of those enthused “just to be part of this” will soon be shown the door, and then they don’t look quite as happy to have just been part of this spectacle.

Right away we are in the A states, and one contestant jumps out for her platinum cartoon like hair and her weird name, which is actually an adjective. Miss Arkansas’ name is Savvy. She is doomed. With our last Miss America named Betty, as a perfect retro Miss America name should be, Savvy is absolutely doomed.

But wait, she makes the cut.

It’s the bathing suit competition, and I can’t help thinking of Kacey Musgraves’ song “Pageant Material” – linked here so PLEASE WATCH IT AND LOVE HER AS MUCH AS I DO FOR HER SNARKY LYRICS. At any rate, her line is “And it’s not that I don’t care about world peace, but I don’t see how I can fix it in a swimsuit on a stage…”

So now I am giggling like our Miss Arkansas, thinking of Kacey Musgraves song while watching this.

There is a blur of blondes this year. I shouldn’t talk. Side Note: I am blonde, in fact very blonde, almost platinum blonde, but I have an excuse. It hides my stark white hair that I would have like my 89 year old dad, if I wasn’t a very light blonde.

Back to the matter at hand, the blondes have it this year as it is a sea of blondes for finalists, and then there are three brunettes that could be one and the same girl. For some odd reason the three brunettes all look exactly alike- like the brunette Barbie dolls. The blondes just seem blonde, blonder, blondest. And of course there is a beautiful girl of color, Miss New York, who is completely doomed this year as New York has been way over-represented the past few years in winners. So sorry beautiful Miss New York.

But wait, our girl whose name is an adjective made the cut AGAIN. She is very giggly and every time the microphone is on her, she babbles. That does not demonstrate poise, it demonstrates babbling, so she is doomed, besides her whole odd name and everything. She wears a ridiculous Morticia type evening gown, all black velvet and it is the strangest choice for an evening gown I think I have ever witnessed on this pageant, and she is giggling all the way while prancing around in her Morticia Mermaid choice. Her dialog about her dress is even stranger – she loves the dress so much, she wants to wear it for her wedding — yes folks, she acknowledges that wearing black as a bride is a bit weird, but so is having an adjective for your name. No way is she making the cut after this fiasco.

***May I say here that I am not sure I want to be part of a world where a contestant names Kendall Jenner as her fashion inspiration. This actually happened. Excuse me while I deeply sigh and think about Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn.

Next is talent— my favorite part of the pageant. Let’s see if anyone could can beat the winner from a few years ago from New York, whose name I can’t remember as most of us forget the name of the winner immediately after they win. That winner, beat on a plastic bucket to the tune “Happy.”

Nothing sensational to report – a bunch of singers and dancers, and a baton twirler! Bring back the baton twirlers – a retro talent if there ever was one. But oops, she let one drop.

I love how they have all the finalists up to this point dressed in their talent outfits, ready to run on the stage and perform, even though two are doomed to be cut, and they will end up sitting there in their tutu looking silly, sad, and kind of pathetic.

It looks like the judges finally realized they can’t put through a contestant named Saavy who would also dare wear a black velvet gown, because there are three very nervous girls sitting there waiting to hear their names called to perform, and two of those three will not be called and one of them is the girl with the adjective for a name. She is still giggling, and when the microphone is put on her, she starts babbling, giggling and seems happy or at least at peace that she is doomed because after all, her name is an adjective, and she must know what a disadvantage that is on the pageant circuit.

But wait, she is called to perform and she giggly bounces out.

The next part is so confusing. The finalists get called one by one to answer a question until there are no more questions left, and that leaves a few girls without a question and out of the running.

Can you believe, the adjective gets to answer a question? They are allotted EXACTLY 20 seconds and most of them finish well before that and say “Thank you very much” after they bumble their answer about world peace, but not our surprising adjective. She babbles, and babbles and babbles, and makes no sense that I could discern, and the buzzer goes off and she is still babbling. She also called presidential candidates contestants – but giggles and corrects herself. I am telling you, this one is doomed — bad name, bad gown, bad hair, bad answer. In fact, I think she has made it clear, that unlike her name, she is not savvy at all. No sir.

It is already the moment we have all been waiting for. The first and second runner ups are called and of the three left, two will get nada for their efforts all the way up to this point. We are down to: The Baton Twirler – Miss Texas, One of the Barbie Brunettes, and our dear adjective, Miss Arkansas. Now you KNOW there is no way…. WAIT.

Our adjective is the last girl standing and she is giggling, and rejecting her sash as it will mess up her hair, and she is just giddy with excitement and so thankful because she, our Savvy girl, our adjective, apparently is our ideal, and our new Miss America. If you think I am exaggerating about her giggling her way to the win, check out this photo of her just as she is crowned. They are usually boo-hooing and a bit tearful, but not our giggly girl.

Well, I did not see that coming!

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