Our First Modern Miss America

There she is, Miss Orange Palms – Thank you High Def TV and read on to find out why:

The theme this year of our exciting pageant is “this is a NEW Miss America.” Well, for someone who has been watching since I was a toddler, THAT’s still to be decided.

Will someone with starched hair, an operatic voice, and a phoney smile, who looks to the heavens to thank her maker frequently, win? Or will a more modern prototype be victorious this year?

The semi-finalists included an ex-fat person (“I lost over 110 pounds!”) who has received a lot of press, and a girl who grew up with an incarcerated parent. Plus some interesting multi-cultural types.

SIDE NOTE: Kris Jenner, the Kardashian mom, looks like a man in drag, no?

Miss Colorado, who said she was leaving it in God’s hands as she was interviewed while waiting for the last 3 semi-finalists to be called, apparently found that God was busy doing something much more meaningful than interfering in a pageant result. She didn’t make it.

After the semi’s are called, the bathing suits go on, and the losers put on their most plastic smiles and must endure another interview with Brooke and an impromptu song before they shuffle off.

Last year’s Miss America is introduced and it looks like she turned 18 – now legal! in the interim. Wow, over the hill. (What does does she have to look forward to from here on?)

At least they don’t call the bathing suit (actually BIKINI) competition the “Fitness Portion” anymore. Really.

I have high hopes this year. Some are fairly normal looking. Too many though!  On to eliminations!

Wait, this is weird – a popularity contest! Lining up behind a contestant to keep them in! OY!

On to the evening gown competition which separates the elegant from the tacky. Will she choose a prom gown, or an actual grown-up classy affair? We shall see.

Miss Illinois has worked on her body her entire life, her voice-over explains. Ex-fatty Miss South Carolina has worked on her body only  for the last year and a half apparently.

Miss Alabama takes the prize for the tacky gown of the evening, and her voice is like Betty Boop. Lucky she was popular and the girls kept her in.

TALENT! Will we be lucky enough to get another yodeling ventriloquist?

Irish jigger factoid that flashed: Knows how to give a cow a pedicure.

(I think these factoids are my favorite feature of the show.)

Miss Texas (Yee Haw for my state!) can play piano and hula hoop at the same time. Another great factoid.

Caught Miss Wisconsin (adorable by the way even for an opera singer) extending her hands while singing was displaying tanned orange-y palms – an obvious self-tanning faux pas. Thank you High Def TV!

Have to say so far, nothing truly embarrassing. A pretty good crop. Modern too. Maybe.

Oh wait, the old standard. Miss Tennessee is falling back on a show-offy, Memory from Cats. And besides that she is an honorary Duck Master. No, I am not making this up. It’s a factoid across the screen so it must be true.

Another show-off – You Raise me Up by Miss Iowa who is multi-culturally and dimply adorable, by the way.

Another multi-cultural cutie, Miss California is the last. She is afraid of Windmills. Okay – Karen made me put that in.

Miss Louisiana threatens to do a Tebow if she wins, so when she is eliminated, I do a private Tebow that we don’t have to see that.

Miss Alabama and her Betty Boop voice and bad taste and gowns couldn’t be saved by the girls this time. But would she have sung, ” I Want to Be Loved By You – Boo-Boo-Beep-Do?” Unfortunately we will not hear her platform. Could it have been, “Lopsidedness as a Result of Unfortunate Shoulder Embellishments?”  or perhaps “Empowering Women with Baby-squeaky, Itty-Bitty Voices?” or “Recycling the big hair and big dresses of the 80’s?” Alabama is not #1 tonight. No sir.

Nothing too weird yet. Sure wish Miss Texas would have hula-hooped and played piano at the same time. Guess I won’t be cringing till the interviews.

I think I am a big Miss Arizona fan. She answered a tough question about Tim Tebow and faith. She didn’t go all Jesus on us- she keeps her faith private. Private. Imagine that?

Judge Teri Polo of Meet the Parents fame, is looking truly awful. Guess there are no more Meet the Parent Movies to make so she is reduced to pageant judging.

Bye Miss Multi-Cultural Iowa, but I was a fan. ( a single tear is rolling down my cheek)

Our outgoing Miss America, the youngest ever who won at age 17, has “grown and matured” over this past year.

Miss Wisconsin, who had the incarcerated parent, has won Miss America. I am excited because with her hair and looks, she reminds me of my daughter Elissa, a tall blue-eyed brunette beauty. She has mascara rolling down her cheeks endearing her to me permanently. Bert Parks is singing to her via recording.

I have no more snark left, and so I must sign off. Would love your comments!